Guitar Gear Forum

Rampage wrote:
They made a book out of that?

Excellent Airheads reference.

We're in a heavily Republican and militantly Christian area. I'm guessing that a lot of people walked once they realized it wasn't perfectly Biblical. I know some of the bitties around work were bitching up a storm about it when it came out.

Telephant wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:

Telephant wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:Wife got Noah from Netflix and told me we have to watch it by Wednesday night.

Just make sure you mentally prepare yourself for a world of shit. And fireballs.

I may just have to use my free pass on this one. I'll try it, but man does it seem awful.

No please watch it and then let me know if I'm taking crazy pills. Maybe its spectacular and I just don't get it?

Shit here we go again

I need to watch this thing. Is it at least a little like Sharknado?

I haven't seen Sharknado but I'd wager plot depth is about the same. Not even Ray Winstone could save Noah. Ray Fucking Winstone, man.

Telephant wrote:I haven't seen Sharknade but I'd wager plot depth is about the same. Not even Ray Winstone could save Noah. Ray Fucking Winstone, man.

Damn this is going into the queue. I can't wait any longer.

I read the synopsis about Noah hooking up with the line "Noah asks for help from a band of angels called the Watchers."

I saw the new Hercules over the weekend. It was alright....not much of anything really happened in it though.

It was kind of the anti-Hercules Hercules

Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

One more question... does Noah get drunk and hit animals with a phone?

pamukParty wrote:

Telephant wrote:I haven't seen Sharknade but I'd wager plot depth is about the same. Not even Ray Winstone could save Noah. Ray Fucking Winstone, man.

Damn this is going into the queue. I can't wait any longer.

I read the synopsis about Noah hooking up with the line "Noah asks for help from a band of angels called the Watchers."

Watchers, AKA rock people.

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

Yep. Good example is Starship Troopers. Obviously didn't take itself seriously, which is what made it hilarious to me.

pamukParty wrote:One more question... does Noah get drunk and hit animals with a phone?

He does get hammered and wallow in self pity.

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWY4-u9Ewdc[/video]
Tomorrow night. If you dare

JiveTurkey wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWY4-u9Ewdc[/video]
Tomorrow night. If you dare

They're sharks. They're scary. No one wants to get eaten. But I've been eaten. And I'm here to tell you, takes a lot more than that to bring a good man down.

Holy fuck I need to watch this shit.

Telephant wrote:

JiveTurkey wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWY4-u9Ewdc[/video]
Tomorrow night. If you dare

They're sharks. They're scary. No one wants to get eaten. But I've been eaten. And I'm here to tell you, takes a lot more than that to bring a good man down.

Holy fuck I need to watch this shit.

Yes you do... Sharknado 1 is on netflix streaming. It's excellently terrible.

I have been counting down the days for 2

pamukParty wrote:

Telephant wrote:

JiveTurkey wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWY4-u9Ewdc[/video]
Tomorrow night. If you dare

They're sharks. They're scary. No one wants to get eaten. But I've been eaten. And I'm here to tell you, takes a lot more than that to bring a good man down.

Holy fuck I need to watch this shit.

Yes you do... Sharknado 1 is on netflix streaming. It's excellently terrible.

I have been counting down the days for 2

You aren't kidding. I think the 2nd one looks even more absurd (how is that possible?) and it will be that much better. In the most horrific of ways

JiveTurkey wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWY4-u9Ewdc[/video]
Tomorrow night. If you dare

FUCK YES! Andy Dick as a cop? Motherfuckin' Judd Hirsch as a taxi driver? That "I've been eaten" diatribe?

This movie will be amazing.

And Telephant, you have to see the first one. The ending is the most hokey shit I've ever seen.

Just don't ask how the house got flooded while there was no water standing around it. Logic does not apply.

nightflameauto wrote:

JiveTurkey wrote:

nightflameauto wrote:Sharknado is awesome for the self-awareness. Noah looks like it takes itself seriously. That's a problem for bad movies.

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWY4-u9Ewdc[/video]
Tomorrow night. If you dare

FUCK YES! Andy Dick as a cop? Motherfuckin' Judd Hirsch as a taxi driver? That "I've been eaten" diatribe?

This movie will be amazing.

And Telephant, you have to see the first one. The ending is the most hokey shit I've ever seen.

Just don't ask how the house got flooded while there was no water standing around it. Logic does not apply.

I must have looked down for a second and missed Andy Dick haha Sidetrack; but did you ever watch his reality show on MTV where he was looking for a personal assistant? F**KING totally absurd and trainwrecking-ly hilarious. If I remember right It was on the air right around the time where he was constantly getting arrested.

Murdoch wrote:I tried to watch Sharknado. I really did. I tried, bros. It was just too bad, and there was just way too much Tara Reid for me to take one second longer. When they were in the house, sharks were swimming around in the living room, and she was just bitching and droning on like the leathery, brain dead cunt that she is, my shit-o-meter maxed out. I couldn't take a single second more of it.

^Very valid point. She is definitely not a selling point for the film by any stretch

JiveTurkey wrote:I must have looked down for a second and missed Andy Dick haha Sidetrack; but did you ever watch his reality show on MTV where he was looking for a personal assistant? F**KING totally absurd and trainwrecking-ly hilarious. If I remember right It was on the air right around the time where he was constantly getting arrested.

Never saw that show, but did she his episode of Trading Spaces where they got the seed of the idea for him having his own show. He was a fucking mess. "Gotta take a quick five" is about the most work he managed to do. Then at the end when he realized the other couple had actually worked on his room he got all apologetic and weirded out.

He can go from funny to complete stupid in record time though. I'll give him that.

nightflameauto wrote:Wife got Noah from Netflix and told me we have to watch it by Wednesday night.

Mojo sent

im unashamedly stoked for sharknado 2. they have ads up at fucking subway

I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. If you don't want to read a mixture of awe, anger, disgust and , move on. It's clear my wife is smitten with this . . . "film" and so won't entertain any of my thoughts on the matter past, "meh." So, you get to suffer with them.

With apologies to Mr. Dicky Sofa, wherever he may be:

Noah - Motherfuckin' piece of motherfuckin' shit/10

Now, I did not enter into this movie thinking I was going to witness a masterpiece, a thought provoker, or even necessarily a good story. I braced myself, and, up until about the last 1/3rd of it, I was just hovering on the usual, "this sucks, but I've seen worse." I will say up front that I knew this wouldn't follow the actual story of Noah as it exists in the bible, so I decided early on to think of this as, perhaps, a far flung future world. Perhaps one where a spaceship crashed on an earth-like planet leaving only a couple to populate the planet, and rather than give them the knowledge of the science they left behind when they crashed, they built up this Creator story to avoid having to explain just how fucked they actually were.

And in those two sentences I believe I put more effort into the story than the writers did. Well, except for the part about the super bongs that kept every living creature on earth asleep EXCEPT for humans. I'd imagine this scenario in the writers' room:

"So duuuuuuuuude, like, check this out, right? So, like, there's like, this super bong type deal that they keep going on the ship. Right? Only like, the water is super water. Like, not like regular water. It's got like, I don't know. . ." (glances at bottle of mineral water currently sitting in front of him, snaps fingers) "FUCKING MINERALS and shit in it! Right? Except, we probably shouldn't take the time to explain that, so, like, we'll just figure people will get it right off the bat."

"How wasted are you, man?"

"What? Hey, remember that time I tried to bang my step sister?"

"Yeah, dude, we should fit that in there too."

"AWESOME!"

But back to the movie itself.

As a bit of a bad movie aficionado, I appreciated more of the story than some did. I actually kinda dig the idea of Rock Lords actually just being fallen angels that weren't ambitious enough to go full demon. Oh, wait, sorry, I meant "Watchers." Now, why go. . . sorry, "The Creator," cause you can't have Christianity on your ass for using the word "god" in the movie, would punish these angels for helping humanity, when demons and the devil were punished for trying to hurt humanity, well, The Creator is a bit of a dickbag, so I guess we'll just go with it for now.

Remember Rock Lords? Rocks that transform into robots? Yeah, Rock Lords ruled. Most unsuccessful transforming robot toyline of all time, but they ruled.

So, the Rock Lords give the story of creation to humans, help them build up a civilization that becomes hugely corrupt, the humans turn on them, they go to war, blah blah blah.

So, the Rock Lords, who hate all humans because humans are massive pricks that destroy everything they touch and shit all over everything, because they can, decide to help out Noah because, well, one of them wanted to, and the rest wanted to punish him, so, you know, let's help him. 'Cause fuck, that fountain kicks some serious ass and creates forests and shit.

And then the bag of dicks humans show up and claim the forest as their own because they own all of what they see, even though the forest didn't exist five minutes ago.

Keep in mind, this is still the part of the story I'm alright with. At least, from a bad movie perspective, this ain't shit. In fact, it's almost passable fantasy at this point. You got your sides, you got your fantastical elements, and you're setting up your good vs. evil shiznitz. Kewl.

So, Bag of Dicks King says he's gonna go full potato on Noah if he doesn't just hand over the ark and the animals and shit. And Noah goes GAB and hands him a cup of No. And Ham, Noah's middle son, (and I'm not looking up the correct spelling because calling him Ham is funny enough) is starting to slide towards Bag of Dicks. Alright, we're still cruising in full fantasy mode. Bag of Dicks backs off and slithers off into the newly formed woods to start making weapons and preparing to go to war.

Noah goes snooping in the middle of the night and witnesses the carnage in Bag of Dicks' camp. This makes him decide that all humanity needs to be wiped out. Because "he saw it." And clearly, any vision he gets had to come from the Creator, even when he's amidst the offspring of Caine, marked son of Adam for the evil he had performed. Fair enough.

BTW, as a small aside, I'm pretty sure a desire to please others is not one of the defining characteristics of evil. This is the great evil that one of Noah's children is guilty of. Ham is guilty of being covetous. Well fuckin' DUH Noah. His brother's gonna be dipping his wand into Hermione's Chamber of Secrets for the rest of his life. Aren't we all just a little covetous? (She's in her twenties, put the pitchforks down pedo-police.)

So, OK, we're stretching the premise a little. I'm still relatively OK with it. Religious folks with a heartfelt belief they've been spoken to can get a little mixed up from time to time, so be it.

The epic and utterly unnecessary battle scene of contrived bullshit was pretty special. Honestly, it made the entire Rock Lord story pretty fucking stupid. So, really, they're still angels, just angels locked away in a candy coating they picked up because they got stuck in the mud and it dried on them? And they were too stupid through the entire first age of humankind to realize they could just crack that shit off and go home? Whoah. Super derps from the super-beings.

And we're STILL not to the part of the story that actually bothered me.

So, the water comes, the humans are dying off, Noah goes full muscle freak and holds onto a single rope while the waters wash over and eventually raise the Ark and tada, there we go.

I'll skip some of the "save them" bullshit while they listened to the rest of humanity die. I get why it was done, but it was pretty stupid.

Here's where shit starts to eat at me. Hermione is preggo. But she was supposed to be barren. Noah loses his shit. I'm talking full-bore, utterly shit-crazy loses it. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BARREN! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'LL MAKE ME DO?!"

Because, you know, a good believer in the Creator kills babies, motherfucker.

And there's pretty much where I gave up. I watched to the end, but come the fuck on. He did everything in his power to eliminate the possibility of there being more humans, and yet, there ya go, more humans. And he DOESN'T see that as a sign from go. . . The Creator?

Bonus points for Noah's final turn when burning up the boat the kids were gonna take to escape his, "I'll kill the little fuckers" rampage. Fire is cool when you're on a boat made of wood and covered in tar. No chance that could have backfired at fucking all.

I'll skip the big twist surprise that resulted in another epic fight scene, just in case anybody hates themselves enough to want to watch it anyway. Let's instead talk about how Noah managed to make himself some fuckin' wine and drink his face off, while living alone, in a cave, before the others even managed to build shelter. Apparently he had some brewers yeast with fucking super-speed in it or some shit on him.

Honestly, as a completely separate story from the Noah story, it's not truly horrible. But, in true Hollywood fashion, they took the name and basic premise, then created something completely different out of it. I skipped over a bunch of stuff. Noah helping to push Ham into complete Bag of Dicks territory by killing off his only prospective mate. Noah's wife threatening to never forgive him, and immediately backtracking. The movie doing a HORRIBLE job of conveying time passing. Ten years in the blink of an eye, nine months is ten minutes. Bleh. There's a lot this movie gets wrong, but it's biggest failure was attempting to be the Noah story while only extremely superficially resembling the Noah story. And of course, all embellishments lead to all the same bullshit people have been complaining about in Hollywood films for decades now. Hell, we even had the full-blown morning sickness pregnancy routine whipped out.

Can not recommend you stay away enough. DO NOT WANT.

I wish we had SCYFY so I coulda watched Sharknado 2 tonight instead. It should be up on HULU by the weekend anyway.

I give nightflameauto's Noah review 8/10. It was pretty entertaining and had a good balance of plot and humor.

I give ShaneV's response to nightflameauto's epic review a solid 10/10. It was both clever and witty, and well timed.

One other thing I failed to mention aboun Noah. The attempt to shove creationism and evolution into a singular clusterfuck of impossibility and stupidity that was so overwhelming it took me nearly ten hours to even fathom how to put it into words was one of the more awe inspiring instances of movie making insanity I've ever witnessed. The fact the CGI during this part of the movie barely registers as 90s era video game quality only enhances the failure.

In fact, I'm pretty sure it broke my brain.

Murdoch wrote:I'm betting your wife rather enjoyed the movie.

She was babbling excuses for its suckosity before we even started it. "I watched an interview with the director and he said that he couldn't just make it the bible story or it'd only be a half hour, so he had to add a bunch of stuff."

"How about focusing on the fact it would have taken years, if not decades, to put together the ark, and then all the time on the water, wondering if you'd ever find land?"

"WHAT? That sounds really boring."